


where we all belong

by twistedsky



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2682518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedsky/pseuds/twistedsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven finds that Clarke is the kind of person who makes you feel like you're home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	where we all belong

**Author's Note:**

> Underage drinking, some potentially uncomfortable mentions of Raven's adjustment to her leg, mild mentions of canonical child abuse.
> 
> For Rachel.

Raven Reyes never forgets the burden that she is on other people—it’s not just the Ark, it’s her family, it’s everyone.

You are only worth as much as you can provide for others, and even then, there’s a limit.

She watches other parents look at their children as if they love them unconditionally, as if their worth is infinite. It’s not true, but it might be nice to believe the lie.

Raven’s mother, however, discerns her worth to be somewhere around whatever she can get for Raven's rations.

Raven learns to determine her own value by how well she can do things, by how smart she can be, by what she can provide.

But then there’s Finn.

Finn never asks anything of her except her friendship(and then there’s an entirely different kind of love that comes much later, but she gives that freely), but he gives her the universe, as far as she’s concerned.

He gives her hope, and kindness, and in their world that is a miracle.

Their world is made of metal and energy, two things she’s instantly drawn to, and she quickly discovers that _this_ is her destiny.

Her hands, her mind, her words—she’s quick, she’s smart, she’s _good_ , they say later, and _damn right_ she’s good.

She better be, because it’s all she has.

That, of course, and Finn.

But Finn is a fool, and he takes a goddamned spacewalk, and contrary to popular belief, she had nothing to do with that, because she would never risk herself or him(definitely not him) over something so fleeting, so risky.

You take risks to accomplish things, not just for fun.

But Finn has never been very good at saying no to fun, and Raven has always loved him for that—she’s always loved his optimism, his idealism, his belief in concepts like compassionand happiness.

She is not that kind of person though. She’s task-oriented, she’s _goal-oriented._

She’s a rule-breaker, yes, but never without a purpose, and never so recklessly.

She knows who she is, and what she wants, and no one is going to give her any breaks.

She has to make her own destiny, and prove herself(because no one will simply give her the benefit of the doubt, she knows that much).

~~

She isn’t oblivious.

She barely even gets to enjoy a moment on the ground before everything goes to shit, and it’s just one thing after another—people are going to die, grounders, _Finn and Clarke._

It’s one thing after another.

~~

Clarke is smart, and pretty, and nice.

Let’s begin here, with the real problem.

She’s a good person.

Raven’s bitter, yes, but it’s hard to stay angry at Clarke(though she manages it for a day or so), because in the end, it really isn’t Clarke’s fault.

Finn made a choice, and Raven loves Finn, and so she tries to fix it(and lets go when she realizes it’s far too late for that).

~~

She focuses on what she can do, and then—then there’s all the things she _can’t_ do.

There’s a bullet in her spine until there’s not, and then she can’t really walk all that well, and it’s hard to remember that she’s still capable, that she’s still _Raven_.

She is, she knows.

It’s just  . . . it’s different now.

But again, but _still_ she is only as useful as what she can provide.

She struggles to find her place in the new world order, and then Clarke returns—a bright light, she thinks, in all of this darkness, because she, at least, understands the way this world works—and then Bellamy and Octavia, and then they all leave once more.

And then it’s her, again, left behind.

Trapped, ineffectual, not as useful as she should be.

She’s going to be okay, she thinks, she’ll get through this, she’ll find a way—and then Abby Griffin slaps her across the face, and she’s reminded that even the people who seem to care for her will throw her away the first time they need to, or as soon as they realize they don’t need her anymore.

At least, most of them anyway.

Bellamy, Clarke, and a few of the others—Raven thinks they understand loyalty, and that they understand _her_ , but even then, she’d thought that about Finn too, and look where _they_ are now.

~~

Clarke and the others return, and things continue to change, but at the same time nothing really does change, and they’re all still at risk, and the privileged of the Ark are still making the same poor decisions.

Wick tries to help her put together better gear so that she can move around a little better, and she’s not sure if she’ll ever get used to this.

There are certain things she can’t do anymore, and certain places that she simply can’t go, but she’ll figure things out, she tells herself.

She always does, because the alternative is, as it’s always been, death.

Survival keeps her going, it keeps her focused on the prize, and it always has.

One day there might be more to life, but for now? It’s hard to imagine.

~~

Clarke tells her about Finn, about him slaughtering a village, and Raven is utterly stunned.

Her entire world flips on its axis, and Raven doesn’t even know how to process that kind of information, because it is so contrary to everything she has ever known about him.

He’s been different lately, because the dangers of the ground are starting to sink in, and the disastrous battle with the grounders definitely hadn’t helped in that regard. 

Everything happens so fast on the ground. They haven't been here long, but it feels like an eternity. Who they've become was necessitated by their reality, but Raven wonders if they'll reach a point when they ask themselves if they even  _deserve_ to survive.

“I’m not sure what to do,” Clarke says, and Raven shakes her head.

“I don’t either,” Raven says with a sigh. “But we’re all different now. Damaged,” she says, holding back a little. 

“Some of us,” Clarke hesitates. “We’ve all adapted in order to survive, or we’ve died. But this," Clarke pauses. "I don't know what this is." 

“I wonder where we’ll be in a month or two from now, let alone a year,” Raven wonders aloud. “Maybe the world ended in a nuclear apocalypse for a reason. Maybe humanity is too much for itself.” Maybe they  _don't_ deserve to survive. 

“Maybe,” Clarke says. “Or maybe we just haven’t figured things out yet,” she reaches out and grabs Raven’s hand, squeezing it gently.

Raven smiles slightly, and then shrugs ruefully. “I hope we figure it out soon.”

“Me too,” Clarke agrees with a smile. Her smile falters slightly. “We’re supposed to leave again in a day or two after we figure out a plan of attack for Mt. Weather. But in the meantime, I'm not really on the best of terms with my mom at the moment. So I was wondering if you know anywhere I can rest? I don’t really want to just stay in the makeshift med bay, and—"

“You can stay with me,” Raven hears herself saying. “I’ve got a little room all to myself, because no one wants to share with me. I might be a little intimidating,” Raven says, and Clarke smiles, shaking her head. 

“If you are, then I think that’s a good thing,” Clarke says, and it sounds like she means it. “And I would really appreciate that.”

“Good then,” Raven says, “It’s settled.”

Somehow, she and Clarke might actually be becoming friends.

She should have figured that out from that fact that she’d felt the need to sit outside of Clarke’s tent all night the first time she’d gotten back, desperate for her to wake up for—well, Raven’s not sure what. Just because the world had felt safer knowing that she was okay, Raven guesses.

Life is a strange thing, Raven knows.

~~

It’s weird sharing her space with Clarke.

Not a bad weird, just—she’s seen old movies about sleepovers and she wonders if this could possibly count as one.

It’s nice to not be alone(if only for a night), and to not have to suffer in her own silence. It's only been a few days since the battle at the dropship, but it feels like so much longer.

Their makeshift sleepover is not warm and fuzzy like the movies she’s seen. This is much more dark and desperate. Clarke is running through her ideas, sighing every time she realizes she can’t quite figure something out.

Raven rubs her paralyzed leg and tries to figure out a way to get past Mt.Weather jamming their signal.

Even though they aren’t talking to each other, there’s something nice and peaceful about this.

You can call it the calm before the storm, but Raven is just enjoying being in the same room as a—hmm.

“Are we friends?” Raven asks suddenly. They’re comrades in arms, of course, they’re of the same people, they care about each other living or dying.

Raven doesn’t have a love of friends, and she never has.

She’s been solitary, with snarky words for those around her.

Don’t let people in, she knows, because then they have the power to hurt you.

She thinks of her mother then, and immediately tries to think of _anything_ else.

“Yes,” Clarke says without hesitation. “We’re friends. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Raven says as if she doesn’t really care. Just _wondering_.

Part of her is desperate to connect with other people, but the rest of her is terrified of what happens when you do make connections. You give people the power to hurt you(but it’s so hard to live this way).

She’s useful, she knows, and she doesn’t question that most of the time, but she’s not sure if people would still care if she weren’t.

She doesn’t say as much, because she and Clarke don’t really talk all that much.

Maybe they’re not quite friends, she thinks, but they could be.

There’s not really time for friends in this world.

“If we’re friends,” Clarke says softly. “Which we are—can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot,” Raven says, pinching her unresponsive leg and feeling nothing. 

“Do you ever wonder what we’re supposed to do next? I mean, if we survive, is this how it’s going to be? Fight after fight, always trying to keep breathing and not bleed out. I wonder how long we can live like that.” Clarke sighs, and Raven turns her head to the side to see Clarke curled up on her cot.

“We’re going to be okay, Clarke. We’ve survived a lot, and we’ll keep on surviving. We’ll adjust, and people—people always find time to feel normal in the middle of the worst things." They can still fall in love, still live. It’s just harder. Raven doesn't think she's capable of that, especially not now, but some people are.

“We’re at war, Raven.” It’s not really that simple, and Raven knows it.

“For now, yeah, but we’ll get the others back, and we’ll build homes, and better fences. We just have to get through this part first.”

Raven’s not sure she believes that, but she thinks Clarke needs to believe that there’s something on the other side of the mountain, or over the goddamn rainbow, whatever that saying is.

Even Clarke needs to believe that, for all her bravado.

Everyone needs a little hope, Raven knows.

~~

She’s always included in major discussions, because her opinion is valid, and that alone makes her feel a little less lonely. She knows it’s mostly just logic and strategy, but it helps nevertheless.

Even if it’s just a small group of individuals all under the age of 25 who seem to think her opinions matter, it’s still important.

Her talents matter to others, of course, but that’s not all that she is.

Sometimes, she actually manages to believe it.

She’s starting to feel like someone other than herself can actually see who she truly is, and understand what she’s made of.

“What do you think?” Clarke asks, and she, Bellamy and Octavia turn toward Raven expectantly, because she’s the mechanic, she’s the _expert_ when it comes to what they’re trying to do.

Again, it’s good to feel worthy.

~~

They leave again(Raven’s beginning to feel like they’re always leaving, and she’s starting to hate being left behind, even though she knows it’s what makes sense, and she knows she’s of more use here).

Raven hopes that somehow they’ll come back again, because they’re the closest thing she has to family now.

~~

They come back without the others, but at least they’re still alive.

Raven greets them all gratefully, even though it’s not like before, when she’d been so sure they’d been dead.

Octavia seems a little awkward about the fact that Raven goes in for a hug, but that’s okay, they’ve never been hug-close before. There’s just something in Octavia's eyes that screams that she needs some sort of support right now. It turns out that Raven's right, because something has happened to her grounder boyfriend Lincoln, and Raven feels for her.

She exchanges a nod with Bellamy, and an awkward look with Finn, who she wants to hug(she really does), but she’s afraid that if she hugged him too tightly he’d fall apart in her arms, and there’s no way that that could end well.

She hugs Clarke tightly, and enjoys the sensation. Clarke gives a good hug, Raven thinks, it makes you feel like you’re _home._

~~

They stay a little longer this time, because they can’t do this all by themselves. They need help, and even though the grounders are still hateful, they’re more likely to help than their own people, and how sad is that?

Raven builds bombs, and doesn’t feel a speck of guilt about the people who will die.

Her friends are being held captive, and they need to be rescued—Monty and Jasper, and Miller and so many more.

Raven builds more bombs, just in case—some makeshift hand grenades too, and anything else she can think of.

“Overkill, much?” Wick asks, and she shakes her head no.

“Just getting the job done,” she replies.

~~

Some live, some die.

The majority of the leftover 100 are still alive, but some of the warriors are not.

She’s not sure about grounder casualties, but they take down Mt.Weather, and they save their people, so Raven doesn’t think they have too much to complain about.

On their side, Jasper dies. This causes Raven a moment of sadness, because he’d been a good guy, and he’d believed that she’d _belonged_.

So few people have ever felt the need to tell her that, but he had, and that means something, and so she promises herself that she’ll remember him.

Then, there’s Finn.

Finn is dead, and Raven doesn’t know how to exist in a world without him, because even at his worst, he was still her friend, and he was so broken by this world, but they’re _all_ broken.

They're all damaged in some way or another, and now he’ll never have the chance to heal, and Raven will never see him again.

Boyfriend or not, Finn was her best friend for a very long time, and her savior, and her world is so incredibly _wrong_ now, because he’s not supposed to be dead.

Clarke is the one who tells her with a simple look and a shake of her head.

Raven pushes one of her crutches hard against the ground to stop herself from toppling over from the shock of it.

He shouldn’t have gone, she knows. She shouldn’t have let him, even though she knows she couldn’t have stopped him.

She should have done _something._

Clarke doesn’t hug her now, but she does step forward and place her hand over Raven’s.

Raven would hold it, but her pride won’t let her risk falling over if she tries to redistribute her weight.

Clarke doesn’t seem to want that though, and so Raven doesn’t even try.

“I should go,” Raven says, and she’s proud to say that her voice doesn’t crack, and she doesn’t cry.

She can cry alone. Everyone is suffering too much right now for their own reasons, and she doesn’t want to be a burden.

Clarke walks her back to her little makeshift home, and Raven collapses on her bed.

“I’m so sorry,” Clarke says. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Raven says, and the tears aren’t coming now, even though she’s no longer holding them back.

It doesn’t feel right.

She’s falling into shock, she thinks, and she doesn’t know what to do about that.

Clarke points next to her, and asks, “May I?”

“Go ahead,” Raven nods weakly.

Clarke sits next to her, and takes her hand now, squeezing it in solidarity. “I can’t lose anyone else,” she says.

“I can’t either,” Raven says. She doesn’t have extra people lying in wait to take their places, so she really doesn’t have the people to lose.

“It’s going to be okay,” Clarke promises.”We’re going to get through this.”

Clarke pulls Raven’s head to her chest and holds her gently, stroking her hair. “You’re not alone,” she says, and it sounds like a promise, but Raven knows better than to rely upon that.

“Aren’t I?” she groans out.

“You have me, and the others. You have us. And we have you,” Clarke says, and Raven just closes her eyes.

She falls asleep that way, and wakes up comfortably, with Clarke on the cot on the other side of the tiny little room.

She feels incredibly heavy, weighed down by their reality, but she also feels like she might be able to get through this.

She will, she declares to herself. She’ll get through this, and she’ll be okay.

She always manages to pull through.

~~

Clarke is checking her healing progress—mostly because Raven doesn’t really want to be around Abby much anymore. She’s not surprised by who the other woman has turned out to be, but she’s disappointed despite herself.

Clarke’s hands are professional, and she keeps up a positive, chatty flow of words to keep their minds off of things, and Raven appreciates that.

After, Raven just sits there and Clarke sits down on a makeshift chair.

“You’re doing really well,” Clarke tells her. “But I’m sure you already knew that. You’re putting a lot of effort into recovery. Just, try not to overextend yourself, okay? It’ll set you back, if you aren’t careful.”

“I’m fine,” Raven says.

“You had spinal surgery two weeks ago,” Clarke points out. “It takes time to heal.”

“I’m fine,” Raven says again, and Clarke sighs.

“You’re really stubborn, do you know that?” Clarke asks with a slight smile.

“It’s been suggested before,” Raven shrugs, and smiles back.

Clarke reaches out to grab her hand, and then pulls back at the last second.

Raven is a little taken aback by that. She’s a little hurt, but there’s something on Clarke’s face that she can’t quite decipher, so she pulls away and says goodbye.

She rubs at her leg, and feels absolutely nothing, and she tries to ignore how much that hurts.

~~

Clarke kisses her one day, all nerves and electric energy, practically crackling under Raven’s hands.

Raven has kissed Finn and Bellamy before, so she has some experience, but Clarke is different, and she can feel the difference.

Clarke's soft, but passionate and intense.

Clarke pulls away, and Raven feels dazed.

“Sorry,” Clarke says with a bit of a wince.

Raven just blinks a few times, as if she’s in some weird sort of dream and she’s trying to wake up. “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Clarke assures her, but Raven raises an eyebrow, because it didn’t feel like _nothing._

“I’m not Finn,” Raven says. “I’m not—“

“I know,” Clarke says. “I know that. I just—“ she looks at Raven, and Raven breathes in sharply.

“What?”

“You’re very special,” Clarke explains softly. “And I wondered what it would be like to kiss you.”

“Well, now you know.” Raven lifts her fingers to her lips. “It’s awesome, right?” She smiles, making light of the way it had felt.

She’s still a little stunned, she doesn’t quite know where this came from. “What gave you the idea to kiss me?” she asks. “Where did it come from?”

Clarke shakes her head. “You make me feel better,” she says softly. “And I felt—I was curious.”

“Oh,” Raven frowns. “And what do you think now?”

“I—“ Clarke hesitates. “I’m a little overwhelmed,” she admits. “I didn’t expect _that.”_

“Yeah,” Raven agrees. “I wouldn’t have either.”

~~

Raven’s definitely never kissed another girl before, and she’s not really sure what to do with it.

She’s never really—well, she’s never wanted anyone other than Finn(even Bellamy had simply been a bandaid on her heart, not some overwhelming need or love).

She respects Clarke, and she likes her, and of course Clarke is attractive, and smart, and—well, she’s Raven’s type, actually, huh.

Since the moment they kissed, Raven’s felt different. It's almost like she's more alive, like there’s something inside of her that’s _awake_ now, and she can’t turn it off, or make it go back to sleep.

~~

They’re having a party, because the ‘adults’ of Camp Jaha are mostly assholes, but _they_ still know what to do when something major happens.

Monty’s been closed off since Jasper’s death, but without even being asked he starts in on a massive batch of his moonshine.

They’re all crammed together in a few rooms getting completely wasted, even though they’ve all got jobs to do the next day, but they don’t really care.

Raven shows up to say hello, and comfort Monty for a moment before he hands her a huge bottle, and her eyes widen. “I feel like this is a hangover waiting to happen.”

“Oh,” Monty says. “It is.” He takes a drink of his own cup, and leans back into his little corner and sighs.

Raven sits down next to him with barely any difficulty(progress, she thinks) and pats his hand. “I’m really sorry about Jasper.”

“I’m really sorry about Finn,” Monty says.

Raven reminds herself to breathe deeply, to stay calm. “So am I.”

Raven sits for a while longer until Miller pops around and drags Monty away to do shots or something.

Seems like a terrible idea to Raven, but she’s not the one who is going to wake up with a hangover the next day.

If she drinks, then she’s not going to be able to get back to her room, and no one else here is going to be able to help her from what she can tell, so she grabs her bottle, which very nicely has a lid on it, and stands up.

Monty thinks ahead, it seems. She tucks it under her arm and makes her way back to her own room.

She sits down carefully on her bed, taking off her shoes and leaning back against the wall.

She looks at her moonshine, and then tucks it away in her little, minuscule collection of things.

It can wait for another day.

She hears a knock. “Yeah?”

Clarke comes in. “I saw you leave the party.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t having much fun.”

“Me neither,” Clarke says, and Raven motions for her to sit down next to her.

Clarke sits. “I didn’t have very much to drink,” she says.

“I didn’t have anything,” Raven says. “Not really in the mood for that kind of party.”

Or any kind of party.

“Good,” Clarke says, “We’re both basically sober.”

Raven gives her a careful look, and since Clarke doesn’t have that giggly, smiley quality she gets when she occasionally drinks, she's probably at least mostly sober.

“Can I kiss you again?” Clarke asks suddenly, and Raven lets out a laugh from the surprise of it.

Clarke looks disappointed, and Raven quickly shakes her head. “Sorry, I was just surprised. Yeah, let’s—“ and she closes the distance between the two of them, kissing Clarke again and oh yes, this is definitely _good_.

~~

It starts with secret makeout sessions, though it’s not really a secret so much as Raven finds it easier to kiss her without being self-conscious when no one else is around, because her leg tends to get in the way.

She’s not ashamed of it, but it—it makes her feel awkward sometimes, and she’ll adjust, she will, but it takes time.

Clarke is slow and patient though, and they make their way from clandestine kisses to weighty moans and quivering orgasms.

It requires a lot of experimentation, to see what works, and to learn each other’s bodies.

They’re patient with the logistics of things, and slow and soft and _teasing,_ but Clarke is ruthless when it comes to making her orgasm.

It’s comforting, Raven thinks, to be with someone whose expectations are the same as yours. But there's not an underlying emptiness, like there was with Bellamy.

That had been ruthless, but this is soft and gentle as often as it's rough and intense.

She finds comfort in Clarke’s lips, and her hands, and in the way her body fits against Raven’s own.

~~

Clarke takes to sleeping pressed against the wall next to Raven. It’s a tiny space, but she seems comfortable enough, and no one _asked_ her to, so she must be doing it of her own volition.

Suffice it to say that Raven finds herself falling in love with Clarke.

She’s only ever loved Finn before, but Clarke is here, making her feel like someone cares about her, and it’s undeniably tempting to just sink into it, and enjoy the feeling for what it is.

She can’t though, because as much as she knows who she is, and she knows what she’s capable of, there’s a part of her that never feels loved, at least not the way that she wants to be.

~~

She came across a quote in a book once—that before you can truly love someone else,  you have to love yourself. Or maybe it was that before they can love you, you have to love yourself first?

It doesn’t really matter, because Raven’s not sure she even believes that anyway. It sounds like a load of crap to her.

She likes herself just fine(loves herself even, that's never really been her problem), and she thinks she’s good at what she does, and she’s smart—but sometimes she doesn’t feel all that lovable.

Most of the time, if she’s being honest, but she can only just barely admit that to herself, let alone to someone else.

She doesn't accept herself though, there's always a part of her that isn't quite happy with who she is.

She’s adjusting though, and she no longer hates her leg, though she doesn't exactly  _like_ it either.

It’s a slow process, but she’s working on it.

~~

She slices her leg one day while doing something, and she doesn’t realize it until someone points it out to her. She looks down, and even though she can see it bleeding, it doesn’t hurt, and she feels a huge overwhelming flood of relief.

She can’t explain it, but she feels a bit better.

It’s taking time, but she’s adjusting—she can do most things that she could do before, and their camp is as safe as it can possibly be, and she feels _better_.

Maybe she’s going to be okay on the ground, maybe she can do this.

Maybe she can still survive all of this without having to be constantly on guard.

Maybe this is where she belongs.

Maybe,  _maybe_ , she doesn't have to fight her own happiness.

~~

She tells Clarke about it, and Clarke just softly caresses her arm while she tells her story.

“I feel like I can do this,” she whispers softly, and Clarke kisses her cheek chastely.

“I’m glad,” Clarke tells her, then leans her head back down against the bed near the crook of Raven’s neck.

Raven closes her eyes and enjoys the sensation of belonging.

~~

“I love you,” Clarke says against her ear one night while they’re in bed together.

Raven’s eyes flutter open, and she feels a stark panic in her chest, and she—Clarke reaches a hand out to grab one of Raven’s, and then squeezes it tightly while Raven fights through the feelings.

There’s panic, there’s fear, there’s hope, and then squashed hope, and then rationality, and then, “I love you too,” she says eventually, and Clarke kisses her softly, as if trying to taste the words themselves.

~~

She has everything running perfectly, and besides that the camp is mostly safe, and they’re negotiating with the local grounders, and for the first time, Raven feels like she might actually be happy.

She uses the pulley system she and Wick have fashioned for her to get to the stop of tower, and while Wick stands at the bottom, making sure she stays safe, she sits at the top, looking around at the land and sky around her, and it’s beautiful.

She turns back to finish what she came up to do, but in the back of her mind, she’s celebrating.

~~

Raven falls in love with Finn with such ease, and Clarke with more difficulty, but she learns to accept herself through painstaking care and great effort.

Finn is gone, and her heart still aches for the boy who had shown her kindness, and the man he could have been, but _she’s_ still here. Clarke is here too, and her kindness, and her strength bring Raven much of the same.

Raven's strong, she’s smart, she’s capable.

She's  _loved._

Slowly, but surely, she finds love, and happiness.

And one day, she finds that she’s home.


End file.
